Rosana
Banana
Rosana called. "Hello?
You called, how may I help you? Rosana was a therapist recommended
to me by Lina. Lina was the therapist I had used after my bout
with bronchitis. After almost dying and taking six weeks of rest
and feeling full of gratitude for just being alive, Lina and I
found little to talk about. But I had established a safe place
to go when life got too much for me. I told her that my husband
and I had a much better relationship living apart. ''Do you ever
feel isolated,'' said Lina? ''Isolated? What do you mean?" ''Do
you feel alone a lot," she said. ''Well, yes I do'' I once had
a friend who asked me if it was lonely at the top.I've always
been drawn to people who have shared the same sense of purpose
in life that I find so exciting, the Rainbow people that you don't
see too often. Once or twice in my life I've experienced a kind
of intimacy that's different from any other. Now that you mention
it, I do feel isolated and I crave more. Like Tolstoy wrote once:
I longed to press myself against some loving, sympathetic After
two months, I stopped going to Lina, and went back to my busy
schedule. I considered the experience to be not good, not bad,
but I did come away with the firm conclusion that there is such
a thing as healthy controlling. That was something I always believed
in, but I had been travelling with people that were trying to
convince me that all my intentions were of an unhealthy controlling
nature. ''Yes I did call, you were recommended to me,'' I said.
''Who recommended me?'' she asked. Lina.... I can't pronounce
her last name. ''I have an opening tomorrow at two.'' ''Oh good,
I'll be there''. I have had this terrible two weeks and was willing
to go to any lengths to get some direction and validation regarding
a painful decision I recently made. For two and a half years now,
I've been living alone. The only real connection between my husband
and I was that he worked for me. Both of us knew this was true,
but we held on to the fallacy that there was more to the relationship.
We have very separate views from business to family matters and
it was almost impossible to meet anywhere. I needed space to think
about where our relationship was going, so I terminated his job.
Needless to say, this brought his much hidden rage to the surface
making my decision at the time easier. The first couple of nights
were filled with going out to dinner with good friends, so the
shock of this divorce was cushioned, and I must say I felt like
a gay divorcee. I even gave thought to buying a new car, red maybe.
A few days passed, maybe a week or so, I can't remember. My memory
seems to take a vacation when it's under stress. But the pain
set in. Here is where the Road less Travelled tells me to watch
out. I can't stand pain, my own or anyone else's. My reason for
seeing Rosana is to help me to not abandon myself and give in
to the pain before I complete the process of sorting out what
I want. Never before in my thirty-five years of marriage have
I ever given a situation the time to process. For that matter,
this is the longest period of time I have gone without laying
eyes on him. As I sit in the office waiting for Rosana Banana
to show up, I flash back to twenty-four years ago when I sat in
a johnny on a cold bench in a nut house waiting for some doctor
to see me. My life at that moment was in his hands. I have stayed
sober for over twenty years even when I found little to stay sober
for, except for the memory of the humiliation of that day. Like
my mentor, Scarlett O'Hara, I swore never, never again to put
my life in the hands of another person, let alone some quack in
a nut house. Twenty-four years have passed and there is some sound
evenness that there are healthy answers to the same questions
I had back then. Rosana, I'm risking you may have these answers.
''Hi. Are you Ruth? I'm Rosana. Let's go to my office," she pointed
the way wanting me to go first. I allowed myself to be nurtured
by her warm and caring approach to me. I felt comfortable right
away. After taking that communication course last winter, I was
able to make my story brief but clear giving her a perception
of what was going on in my life. Forty-five minutes later I felt
there was hope and a clear path to start on recovery for me. In
the past, I could not resist wanting my husband to get help too.
But this time, I will not feel guilty for recovering without him.
Long ago, I had to get over survivor's guilt: why was I relieved
of my alcoholism and not the man or women I would see on the street
in a drunken state? Rosana and I are going to start work on why
I won't let go of this marriage that has not grown. She feels
my commitments are strong and long. Why do I feel that I must
stay in this marriage long after it has gone nowhere and is, in
some cases, dead? What God is dictating this obsolete information
to me, and why I won't let go, I don't know. I'm ready to do the
work required, and part with the money it will take to achieve
this process. I felt Rosana and I would make a good team. I expressed
this to her, but to my surprise she told me she never takes a
patient until she has had three sessions with them. Mm........
O.K. sounds right. There I go wanting to rush the process again.
Lina had different opinions on sex than Rosana. Lina felt that
sex was highly over-rated, like I did at the time, but Rosana
said she would not go that far. This statement for some reason
gave my juices a bit of a tease. And I was compelled to tell her
about my friend the actor who had stayed with me one night en
route to visit his son. Why is it you don't sit still, are you
afraid of sex? he said. ''No. I think sex can sometimes ruin a
good friendship," I told him. ''Don't you ever have passion?"
Of course I've had passion, I assured him (thinking to myself
I'm older than he is, yet for days I've wondered if that was my
rationalization for being afraid of intimacy.) This actor friend
of mine had been in town recently, but I missed his calls. He
was one of the people in my life I was attracted to because we
seem to share so much of the same philosophy, and there was an
emotional connection for sure. At the time we met, I don't know
if I would have fainted if things had gotten too physically intimate.
First, I felt that I was older than he, and second, I would not
be in any hurry to take my clothes off for fear my body would
look old, and last but not least, I had concern on the aids problem.
As Rosana Banana ( Roseanne Roseannadanna), would say, "If it
ain't one thing, it's another." I left her office and made my
next appointment. Then I went to my Nar-anon meeting, and then
home for the night. I slept well till about 5:30 A.M., and instead
of turning on Charlie Rose, I went back to bed, and in the next
stage of my sleep I had a dream, something I rarely have. This
may be because I believe dreams come for me early in the morning,
and since I rarely sleep beyond five in the morning, I miss a
lot of dream-time. The dream was of my actor friend. We were in
bed together, I had my hand on his penis. (I believe that's what
it was, I haven't forgotten everything.) I felt very comfortable
in the setting, so much so that I managed to make the dream last.
We did not have actual intercourse, just this playful type of
touching, the kind of play that I've never had much time for.
The whole dream made me feel very healthy. The funny part of the
dream was when I opened my bedroom door, my husband-- who is a
plumber by trade-- had his tools all over the kitchen floor. I
woke up asking him in a state of authority: ''What are you doing
here?" Rosana, can't wait till our next session!
Copyright; Ruth Mahoney
14-Jun-89
