Dream
Team
Yesterday (let me tell you in my simple language of
the heart) was a difficult one for me. I am starting to take notice
once again of how I deal with relationships. When people, places,
or things make me uncomfortable, I hide behind my character defects
like a child, giving up my right to communicate like an adult.
Five years ago I started to fight back, by allowing new people
to come into my life, I felt my world was getting too small. Like
a hospital with one inmate! At first, I chose people whom I believed
had values and personalities like my own. The problems started
when I found myself sharing too much information about myself,
and they became too pushy for my taste. This is where I would
start to isolate. Then I'd find myself back to square one. Time
for a perception check. By taking my inventory, I found I may
not have listened or given equal time to them. Did I have to be
one up, all or most of the time? Did I put them in a place of
authority? Did I become passive when intimidated? Did I avoid
confrontation when I felt I lacked the skill to do so? Did I fall
into the trap of bonding with people too much like super glue.
Is this the one who is going to take care of me? Yes, once again
I gave my power away. Compromising my values, letting people go
past my boundaries rather than making waves. In a discussion with
a friend about happiness, I made the comment that I believed happiness
to be a by-product of doing the right thing. She challenged my
opinion, and this cold war started on our ride down to a lecture.
The lecture was on spirituality and mental health, lots of stuff
I've known for some time now. I've also lived and been sober long
enough to realize that without good mental health, I could have
found myself in a nut house without a drink. My friend was a new
broom around these 12-step programs, and like all new brooms (including
myself back then) chose to take the opposite side in defending
her rights and not feel swallowed up in generalizations. She had
the use of the cultural language to express herself, while I became
mute for lack of them. Even with the lecture confirming my earlier
statement, I could not express myself. The lector mentioned several
things that, through my experience, I agreed with: ''Telling a
lie is a jolt to the system.'' "Resentment is a depressant. To
delay admitting when one is wrong is deadly to our mental heath.''
''That some stress and anxiety is healthy for the balance of good
mental health.'' I kept hearing: That one could, to the best of
their ability and with the guidance of their own value system,
be reasonably content in this life. To ask for more, or to take
more than our share, removes peace of mind down the road. Forgiveness
to others, after our wounds have been healed, puts us back on
the road to healthy mental health."" " My road back to peace of
mind came by going to the movies on this Saturday night, something
I do a lot, but usually at one of the local theaters. Since I
had seen the two flicks in the neighborhood, my chosen friend
and mentor for the evening was Tom (you know, my husband, the
guy who was going to be history after I got myself a few friends.)
We decided to go to one of those places where there are five or
six movies playing at once. Just getting through the traffic,
not to mention the crowds on a Saturday night, was more than I
could deal with. But I needed to get out of myself, and this was
the price. Forget the candy counter, that was out of reach entirely.
We tried to sit together, or rather Tom tried. Sitting alone wasn't
a problem for me at all. In front of me were two very young people
cooing like love birds do, and beside me were two older, overweight
people not in the cooing mood. The overweight man made his way
past me. His mission was to get his lady fair treats from the
candy counter which was flashing its colorful ads up on the screen.
Romeo in front now leaves Juliet to do battle at the refreshment
counter. And me, I'm still feeling down after losing my own battle.
The candy counter would be a piece of cake, compared to confronting
the situation that occured this morning. The age¸ressiveness of
my friend left me feeling inadequate and retarded. Romeo returns
bearing gifts for his lady fair, and Juliet rewards him with young
virgin kisses. They make me feel happy. Not so lucky was my overweight
friend who once again is trying to slide by me. His lady fair
has little patience with his fruitless efforts as he sits down
beside her with empty hands. Trying to explain (in low tones)
that he could not get near the object of her desires, she is not
quiet when she expresses that he must go back to the front and
return with her requests. She has made him feel inadequate, so
he left and did not return. She cried through most of the movie,
and I felt sad for them both. The "Dream Team" was the name of
the movie. It was about a nut house or sanatorium, whichever makes
you comfortable. The main character was about as nuts or off as
I was back in the late '60's. My trip was not on L.S.D. nor making
love too much, lord knows I tried. No, I was just garden-variety
alcoholic. Acting out on stupid adolescent fantasies and using
a few diet pills took me into the world of greatly-misunderstood
people. I could not help but cry, seeing my old buddies up there
on the screen. They knew how I felt today. They knew about feeling
inadequate, and being out of step with the normals. I had said
good-bye to my friends of long ago to enter the world of the norm.
The norm world has been good to me, it has kept me out of the
nut houses, but tonight I miss you guys very much, very very much.
Copyright; Ruth
Mahoney 9-Apr-89
